CONVERSATIONS

Our campaign spies have informed us of the following conversations overheard on the campaign trail. After careful consideration, we have decided to release the transcripts of these conversations.

Kerry: “I need you guys to get 88% of the black for me, OK? Now, get to it.”

Blacks: “What do we get out of it?”

Kerry: “I’m not Bush.”

Blacks: “That’s not good enough, Senator Kerry.”

Kerry: “What else are you going to do, vote for Bush?! I know you won’t do that. Do you see what this President has done?”

Black voters: “Well, that may be true, but we can just stay home too. We don’t have to vote for either of you. Senator Kerry, we want you to stop the war and support inner-city renewal with enterprise zones. We want our kids to be able to go to schools with books. We don’t want to be ignored any longer. And we want you to publicly support affirmative action in high education as the right thing to do. We also want 3 cabinet posts, 10% of the federal judges, and 10% of the political appointees. Will you commit to that?”

Kerry: “Some of it. No guarantees though. You see, I’ll have a Republican Congress, and…”

Black! s: “We don’t want to hear that. We want to hear commitment to our economic agenda in exchange for our overwhelming support. You can’t win without us, and we know that.”

Kerry: “Yeah, I know that, too. OK. I’m with you guys, but I’m not one of you guys.”

Blacks: “Senator, that’s just not good enough. We feel like you are going to ditch us after the election.”

Kerry: “Ditch is a strong word, but I will definitely move to the Right.”

Blacks: “Well, I guess that’s it. We have no alternative. We can’t vote for Bush, so I guess we have to go for you?”

Kerry: “Just like I knew you would…”

Conversation with Bush

Blacks: “Mr. President, we don’t really like Kerry. For the first time in decades, we are keeping our options somewhat open. We liked you when you were Governor of Texas. You were so pro-education and multicultural. But you changed after you became President, what happened?”

Bush: “I realized that being a Governor is one thing, but to be President, I had to be more conservative. I had to speak at Bob Jones University and things like that, but I don’t hate you. I really don’t. See, I know the media makes me look like…”

Blacks: “Mr. President, we are mostly southerners like you. We are ‘country folk.’ And we don’t think you’re a racist or anything like that. But do you understand how offensive things like Bob Jones University are to us? And, not to bring up the past, but that whole Florida 2000 thing, we…”

Bush: “Yes, but I HAVE to do it to appeal to white southerners. That is my base. But I want more blacks to support me. I just don’t think more government is the answer, business is. I can help you and your families in other ways: vouchers, home ownership, etc. But I’m not going for Affirmative Action.”

Blacks: “OK, that’s fair. We like vouchers and our homeownership has gone up under you. But we feel like we are slipping some. That’s why we need affirmative action to continue.”

Bush: “Yes, I agree, but I can’t take that position publicly. Thank God, Sandra Day-O’Connor saved my ass!”

Blacks: “Yes, she did. President Bush, we like your Texas swagger and many of us like your belief in God, but this war….we dunno…looks like America is out of control. And Dr. King once said, ‘Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” So we feel like we have to oppose this war, or, one day, America might…”

Bush: “We aren’t out of control, but we are going to bring war to anyone that opposes what we want.”

Blacks: “Yikes! That’s too scary! Guess we are going to vote for Kerry, at least most of us.”

Bush: “OK. I can live with that. I’ll carry the white male vote, but I want you guys to consider voting Republican in the future. The Dems don’t care about you. They’ve got you monopolized, and I’m the first Republican President to try to break that monopoly.”

Blacks: “Mr. President, we know that, and we want it to change. But maybe next time..”

Bush: “Alright, peace out, soul bro.”

Blacks: “Huh?”

Bush: “Oh, goodbye.”

Blacks: “Uh, OK.”