Staple Their Knees Together

“I stopped counting at 36, which is right about the time I stopped needing to because I met my mate. Never felt the need to be with anyone else since. For the most part, I have a few regrets - more over my behavior than my partners’. Most of the men I’ve been with were/are friends, usually before, almost always after. When I made exceptions to that, I was often sorry. So if I had to give advice to a 14 year old, I would first tell them to wait. Anyone who doesn’t want to wait for you isn’t worth having in your bed (much less your body) anyway.”

A couple of friends and I had an interesting conversation with a waitress at a bar the other day. For some reason, this waitress, a transplant from St. Louis to Los Angeles, felt compelled to share her life story with the three of us. Turns out she is dating a guy pretty seriously, but that he is having a hard time trusting her. When we asked why, she said she had no idea. We even asked if he had caught her cheating in the past, and she said no. When we doubted her story, she replied, defending her chastity, that the two of them didn’t have sex for the first 11 months of their relationship. Thinking 11 months to be a modern-day world record, I was set to whip out my cell phone and call Guinness on the spot. (smile) 11 months is almost unheard of! Seeing our shock, the waitress said that her mother and father raised her to value her body and her sexuality, and not to just “give it up” to anyone. They didn’t preach celibacy, but they did preach that she should at least “love” the person she was having sex with. A far-flung concept, to be sure, these days.

In our community, we have huge problems with teen sex, teen pregnancy and a general lack of family stability, mostly due to the failure of black men to raise their children. In light of these problems, and realizing that things need to change if we are going to go higher, what should black parents teach their daughters (we’ll tackle sons later) about virginity, chastity, love, “like” and sex? My wife and I often discuss what we would do if we had a daughter. My wife says she’d get her on “the pill” when she’s 15 because she’s “only being realistic.” I say I’d staple her knees shut and make her pee through a straw ’til she’s 18. (smile) We are a little far apart on this one, as you can see. Seriously though, I’d definitely teach my daughter that she should value her body and that sex should be reserved for men she loves, not just “likes,” and that she’ll be better off for it down the road. How many women do I know that jump in the sack with any ol’ Tom, Dick and Harry and then complain that they can’t find a man???

It seems that the television-baked consensus these days is that parents have to give in and let their daughters dictate what is good and bad for them. Being an old fashioned brotha, I disagree. While trying to be realistic about teen sex, I think it’s important that parents set some type of standards and goals, and they must be honest with teens about sex. Too many black parents rely on the streets, television or rigid interpretations of the Bible to set those standards. If I ever have a daughter, I won’t preach virginity, but I will talk to her about sex, and preach the “10 Finger Rule.” I.e., you shouldn’t have more sexual partners than fingers. A nice middle ground, I think.