Many Americans believe that the connection between black men and white women is purely sexual. They are wrong. In fact, the mutual attraction of black men and white women is mostly emotional. Paradoxically, studying this interracial magnetism can actually give black women guidance on how to attract and relate to black men.
Last week, I watched the FX reality show, “Black.White,” with three friends: a black woman and two black men. In this particular episode, Rose, a winsome, open-minded, intelligent, inquisitive, 18-year old white girl, pictured above, begins to fall for Devaun, an equally intelligent and insightful student at Howard Univ. During the show, Rose admits, “I’m beginning to have a thing for Devaun. He is so smart, vulnerable, and incredibly beautiful.”
As we watched Rose and Devaun interact, I noticed that Devaun seemed intrigued by Rose’s inquisitive nature. Rose asked him questions that he seemed to have never been asked before. She questioned him about his childhood experiences, his family, his thoughts, his emotions, and even the meaning of his tattoos–all without expectation or judgment.
As a white woman, Rose has the inherent (and some would say unfair) ability to question Devaun without his becoming fearful of her expectations of him. If Rose were black, Devaun may feel that she was asking questions because she wanted to be his mate. He also may feel that Rose would judge or dismiss his answers. Rose being white, Devaun is free to answer questions honestly and without fear of the consequences. If she can’t handle the answers, they’ll go their separate ways–no big deal. Thus, he can open up to her about his childhood, his aspirations and his emotional state, which, in turn, causes him to trust and fall for her.
The black woman I watched the show with said, “White girls are intrigued black mens’ sense of helplessness, entitlement and sadness. They will listen to a black man complain all day because to them it’s heroic, like Othello. Black women ain’t goin’ for that. ‘Get off your ass, negro!’” Perhaps therein lies my point.
Many black men grow up in stifling emotional environments. They have no nearby positive role models. Raised by often verbally-abusive, sexually promiscuous, single mothers, many black men come to expect antagonistic relationships with black women. Moreover, these rolling stones are emotionally detached. For black women looking for a mate, this is extremely frustrating. For black men, it means that they will be attracted to a mate who is willing to listen to them–without expectation or judgment. In many cases, this person is white, primarily because white women tend to be more interested, inquisitive, and, perhaps, less judgmental. It’s my hope that both black men and women can learn from this example–that it’s extremely important to listen to your mate, even to the “bad stuff,” without judgment.
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