A good friend of mine (J), who reads this blog every day but does not comment, needs some love advice from TheStateOf.
So all the posts about relationships, marriage, family, kids, dating have caused me to look to you, the people of TheStateOf, for advice. About 6 months ago I met a guy whom I like…a lot. He’s smart, funny, self-sufficient, honest, handsome, entrepreneurial and pretty-well accomplished. We share similar values regarding family and share the same cultural background. We talk on the phone everyday since the day we met. On any given day, conversations can range from the frivolous (colonics, OJ did it and Beyonce) to more substantive topics (family dysfunction, debt and past hurts). Up until recently (for reasons I will get to), we talked everyday at 7 a.m. during his morning walk (he’s self employed) and my drive to the office. In addition, there are calls throughout the day. We definitely hang out, but it is not, by any means, an everyday thing. He lives approximately 40 miles from me. After work its impossible. Weekends are occasional. The respective homies all know each other and are usually involved in any outing. Regarding family, I’ve met his and he’s met mine. My lunch with the parents was great (I was invited as a thank you for some assistance I gave). My mom doesn’t know him well (only what I tell her) but thinks he is a nice guy. Just today, during a 3-way call to my mother (there was a reason the two needed to speak), he proclaimed in an admittedly joking voice, “Hi Mom.”
As far as one another’s personal affairs, there’s notable involvement. I recently relinquished control and let him guide (hell, direct) me during a new car purchase. As for him, I’ve advised on his recent computer purchase and offered advice regarding his business formation and its growth. He also speaks freely about his profits and losses. During summer (he’s got a pool and I don’t), I had access (i.e., keys) to his home to swim with the fam or the girls but didn’t actually go. Prior to that, one week after meeting, he helped me move. There are numerous good things to be said about him and the BUT the “but” that I am about to offer is nothing stereo typical - no other woman (admittedly this is always a possibility), no down-low, no abuse, no baby mama drama, no crime, no jail, etc. The BUT is that we are simply friends. However, I recently decided that I wanted more and that I was going to say so.
After weeks of building up the nerve, I told him that I wanted an actual relationship with dates, labels, etc. His response was to tell me that he wanted a WIFE, and that he was no longer interested in a GIRLFRIEND, and that given this, he could not give me what I was looking for at this time (note: sometimes in the conversation he said at this time, sometimes he didn’t). He added that rather than rush into things and end up disappointed, as he had done so many times in the past, he figured that it was finally time that he actually take time to get to know a
person so that he could find a woman suitable to marry. After mulling this disappointing response over for a day or two, and enduring our unchanged level of interaction, I decided that I would have to alter the nature of our relationship so that it fit better within my definitions of friends. This was met with angry proclamations about how he was not interested in any garden variety friendship and questions like “how do you know what the future holds?” I was questioned regarding how I could just throw away what we have and told that I could not deny how we’ve improved as people since we met. I am undeniably torn. I want to walk away because of the whole “it don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine” notion. But on the other hand, what if he’s just trying to make a good and lasting of which I am the focus? We all know this shit doesn’t happen according to a manual. He has admitted to the void caused by my absence and secretly I feel the same way.
The State Of . . . What’s A Girl To Do? What say you The State Of . . .? Do I stay and be his friend or do I go and get what I want? What’s a girl to do?
Filed under: Relationships
